The Warm Up Guru

by John Driver & Jeffery Haddow

Namaste. Shanti shanti, om, om, om. Why did the sacred cow cross the Ganges? Anyone? (wait for audience response) Sharp group. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Perfect Master Ka Ka Ji and I am going to teach you the esoteric doctrine of audience warmup yoga as it was taught to me by my teacher, the even more perfect Master Gah Li Ji. His most famous exercise was designed to increase the circulation in the hands and to develop the shoulders and the bicep region. The first thing I am going to be asking you to be doing is to taking the left hand, that’s this one and putting it behind the back like so. And to be taking the right hand, that’s this one, and putting it out in front of your shoulder like so. (No one does it.) You know, sometimes I say to myself, you should get out of the guru business. Open a delicatessen. Call it the New Deli. (Moving on) It is very important to see some hands for illustration. Thank you. Alright, I want you to be moving that hand back and forth, back and forth in opposite directions very fast, very fast, when I say go. Ready? Go. Let me see them. Oh, that’s very good. Namaste, shanti om. Now that is what you have been doing for the first act. For the second act, I want you to be taking the left hand out from behind the back and putting it shoulder width apart from the first hand and moving both hands in opposite directions very fast, very fast when I say go. First we take this side of the house. Ready? Get ready. Get them up there, get ’em up. What’s the matter, sir, you can’t get ’em up? Ready, go. Thank you. Now this side, ready go. Thank you. this side you are very good. You are like Brahmin priest, you are close to Krishna. (to other side) This side, you have been eating meat. You cannot fool Ka Ka. But I am going to give you one more chance to get even with the other side of the house. We are going to do the exercise one more time. But this time we are going to use a visual aid. You will do the exercise when you see the Applause sign. Are you ready? Everybody get ready. Can you do it twice in one night, sir? Ready, go! (holds up Hindi applause sign) That’s applause in Hindi. Thank you. Namaste, shanti, om.

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